AN INTERVIEW WITH A TERENGGANU TURTLE

Location: An undisclosed island somewhere off Merang Terengganu.
Interpreter: Nyu-Ka Gar, Turtle Linguistic Expert and Telepathy Specialist, University of Brisbane
Transcript:

Radio Pencen:
May I know your name?
Turtle:
My name is difficult to pronounce in your language. I can see that our interpreter is having a massive headache already. Just call me Kulitbelakang.
Radio Pencen:
Ok Encik Kulitbelakang, how old are you?
Turtle:
I am still young, I am only years 60 old. My dad is still around. He is over 80 years old. He is lucky.
Radio Pencen:
How old?
Turtle:
I cannot remember. I am a turtle, not an elephant.
Radio Pencen:
You said he is lucky, why?
Turtle:
Nowadays, turtles die earlier. They get choked on plastic bags, they get caught in fishing nets and then killed....
Radio Pencen:
How do you feel about being cloned?
Turtle:
Cloned? Who wants to clone me?
Radio Pencen:
The government.
Turtle:
Why?
Radio Pencen:
Your kind is getting extinct and cloning is the answer.
Turtle:
Not sure about that. Have they cloned anything before?
Radio Pencen:
Well, they have cloned Dolly..
Turtle:
You mean Barbara Streisand? Hello Dolly?
Radio Pencen:
No, Dolly the sheep.
Turtle:
Sheep getting extinct too?
Radio Pencen:
No, never mind.....If you do not mind me asking, why can't you go forth and multiply?
Turtle:
I can't multiply, I am bad at maths
Radio Pencen:
You have a wife, don't you?
Turtle:
Yes....
Radio Pencen:
Aaaah, why don't you have babies?
Turtle:
I see that our interpreter is having a massive headache again. Ok, I will let you know why. My wife is a bit asthmatic.
Radio Pencen:
She cannot fulfill her wifely duties?
Turtle: Oh, she can...
Radio Pencen:
Then what's the problem?
Turtle:
Obviously you do not know about turtle mating habits...
Radio Pencen:
Tell me..
Turtle:
You sure you can broadcast this?
Radio Pencen:
Don't worry. Tell me..
Turtle:
First of all, we mate near the beach where my wife nests. When I have the urge, my wife is not around. She might be on the way from the Great Barrier Reef or somewhere. Otherwise she is off Redang with her Women's Club.
Radio Pencen:
You have Women's Club too?
Turtle:
We have our females, so of course we do....Anyway, when we do get to mate, we males like to do it underwater and we do it for a long time..
Radio Pencen:
How long?
Turtle:
Between 6 to 10 hours your time...
Radio Pencen:
Wow!
Turtle:
Why do you think turtle soup is popular?
Radio Pencen:
It is?
Turtle:
Anyway, since my wife is asthmatic, she kept on wanting to surface. I got tired of holding her down...
Radio Pencen:
Why don't you do it on the beach?
Turtle:
We lose the agility and besides, on this beach, you get caught "tangkap basah" for making love....

Labels: extinction, turtles