Di Bawoh Rang Ikang Kering
Random Ramblings of A Retired Retainer


Monday, February 25, 2008
If you are one of those people paid to monitor blogs, let me assure you that I am not a political animal, orang utan, frog or whatever. I do have friends supporting the party of their choice - kepala lembu, roket, bulan and kapal layar. Ok, some are old symbols but I am old and I have old friends. I did work for the government but I have never worked for any political party. I shall not insult your intelligence by explaining the difference. Only clueless politicians think their party is the government.

Now that I am old, I do what most old people do. Give advice and sleep. No, I do not give advice while sleeping. So, candidates (it does not matter which Barisan you are in), listen.

First and foremost, I have to ask you a question. Why did you put in your nomination papers? Oh, you want to be elected. Silly old me. Why do you want to be elected? Were you thinking of making your constituents’ life better or were you hoping that your life will be better? If you are an UMNO candidate, here is what your President said at the 57th General Assembly:

It is vital that political leadership provide the best possible example by displaying honesty, diligence, dedication and commitment. Effective leadership is respected leadership. In working towards implementing this first pillar, I have exhorted every Malaysian to work with me and not work for me. At the same time, I am conscious of the fact that I am but God’s humble servant. And consistent with the teachings of Islam, I hope that the political leadership works to serve, in the spirit of community, in the name of Allah and for Allah.
(English translation of the whole speech here.)
I shall not comment on your President's speech because I am sure many have done so. But do
take note of the last line. Non-Muslims, please bear with me. I’ll get to you later. Muslims, be they politicians, opticians, morticians, beauticians and even writers of petitions are required to pray 5 times a day. Each time, you recite the Doa’ Iftitah. That’s where you promise God, among other things “My solat, my life and my death are all for you God. Lord of the Universe”. Remember that? Of course you do. Unless you are among those that think "kun fayakun" is part of a hadith. God wants you to do amal makruf, nahi munkar (perform good deeds and abhor evil). No mention of commissions, shares, a bungalow in the likes of Damansara Height, a trophy wife/husband and a Lexus or two obtained through evil, illegal or unethical means. Non-Muslims candidates should have no problems with performing good deeds and abhorring evil. I am sure your own religion teaches that too. The thing is, I hope you contest because you want to do the right thing. Right? Knowing and doing the right thing is far more difficult than doing things right. Going by past records, not many politicians can even differentiate between right and wrong. Heck, some politicians are just like some Malaysian motorists. They don’t even know which is right and which is left. They give wrong signals. I pray that you, dear candidates do not make the same mistake. Just remember that, in the hereafter, you will be judged. High-powered and well-connected lawyers will not be available to help write the judgment.

Apart from the “Heirloom seats” (seats previously won by your father, your father-in-law, your brother or even your mother’s stepfather), we all know that you have to kiss asses (figuratively, of course) to get to be a candidate. Now that the campaigning have started, you have to kiss babies. Literally. Lots of them. My advice is, shave your face. Babies are sensitive to sand-paper stubbles and crying babies won't get you votes. For women candidates, shaving face is optional. Make sure the babies are under 5 years old. Kissing 16 year old babies during the campaign is not advisable.

Make sure you brief your campaign workers well. In one of the previous elections, some workers hiked up their sarong and exposed themselves to some Puteri members. The flashers landed up in court. In these days of ubiquitous camera phones, even party workers with the most nondescript member can be easily identified and convicted. So warn your workers.

Communicating well is another priority for you. When giving your ceramah, please speak clearly and distinctly. Get rid of your cigarettes, chewing gums or sirih out of your mouth. Those without teeth, go get some dentures pronto. Otherwise you will wind up like the guy who got a 10 inch pianist from a genie just because he did not speak properly.

More advice later. I have to remove my tongue out of my cheek and take a siesta.

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